Yes, I have tested positive for COVID, and no, regardless of the rumors swirling about my Jet setting ways, I did not get it from Nancy Pelosi. Although, I have been contacted by the state department for close proximity one-on-one negotiation with Valdemar Putin. They say I am perfect for the job, but they only have a window of the next five days to set up a meeting. I am honored that the state department feels I have the unique qualities required for successful international diplomacy. However, I have respectfully declined due to the following state department dictator greeting protocol:
- When approaching President Putin, crouch down to make your mouths line up on the same plane, smile big, hyperventilate, do not lose eye contact as you advance and keep puffing.
- Cough in the palm of your hand; follow this with a firm handshake.
- Kiss each cheek and rub your alar rim and mucosa in his sideburns.
- Follow this with a forcible French kiss.
I, of course, have a problem with the firm handshake requirement as Putin’s grip is reported by TASS to have the strength of ten bears, and I don’t want to risk my underwater hockey-playing hand. So, I have requested the State Department give my apologies to Mr. Putin and please send him my regrets and a box of cigars. I saw a nice box sitting in a CIA warehouse on a dusty shelf labeled “operation mongoose” with a marker scrawled over the label saying, “no longer needed,” dated 11/25/16.
So, how does my positive COVID test affect the lake swim? Not at all. I will be self-isolating according to the current medical protocols, which change every 23 seconds. The swim goes on as usual, and I will wave at you from the house windows unless you are on my enemies list, and then I will jump out from behind a bush and greet you close and personal. Wait one darn minute! I now realize what the state department was trying to do, those shameless sly dogs. They didn’t care one whit about my international negotiating skills; they only wanted me to demonstrate that Putin didn’t have the hand strength of ten bears. So, I am on to you, state department; you must be an early worm to put one by me. I have read Jethro Bodine’s book how to be a double naught spy, so that’s how I figured your little plot out so quickly.
Currently, I am doing okay with only minor chest congestion. I was double vaccinated and boostered, plus I always wear a mask to protect my patients in my office. As you know, the vaccines don’t prevent infection or transmission of the virus, but they do help keep you out of the ICU and dying (I am counting on them being right on this one). I have been checking out many alternative treatments for mild covid infections. I have selected one that I feel will work well for my situation, massive doses of blackberry cobbler. Since none of the other alternative treatments have panned out so far, I figure this one won’t either, but the delivery route is more enjoyable. Just to be clear, I am talking orally, not IV or suppositories. Should I worsen, I will institute my DEFCON 1 plan which will be to go to the courthouse and officially change my birthday to 9/26/00.
I will be at EAT- PRAY-SWIM as this is a definite go. This is a sunrise service at 6:58 AM on Easter Sunday, April 17th. Please attend as Tom Welch will again be performing the sermon, and his ego needs a big boost. He has been living in the shadow of his superstar wife, who was selected as Orange County’s teacher of the year. Tom, who used to be 6’7″, has now shrunk down to 5’1″. You can’t possibly know what it feels like standing with your wife in front of a step and repeat banner and having the paparazzi say, “little man, take ten steps to the left,” and there are only eight steps to the edge of the podium. Doctors say some of the shrinkage might be reversible.
What do you need to bring?
- Family members
- A blanket or chairs to sit on.
- A swimsuit (we swim right after the sermon)
- An appetite (we eat after the swim. Our traditional pancake breakfast)
- All offerings go to the Children’s Ranch
Don’t forget to Sign up for the Golden Mile. The race is on May 28th. We are already over a third filled. Don’t wait until the last minute and get shut out. The swim is limited to 300, and all the proceeds go to the Lake Cane Restoration Society.